i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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