I think my vagina is haunted
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
BRING THE BAGELS
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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