Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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