You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
