Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
