So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
