i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
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Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
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It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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