hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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