I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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