Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
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Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
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Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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