i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
