I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
