we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
