that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
