I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
OPIZZABONMYDICK
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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