She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
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I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
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Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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