I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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