and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
