i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
