I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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