So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
