You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
