I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
