it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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