My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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