You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
bring money and cleavage
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
