His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
