when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
