If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
