Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
