Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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