I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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