Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
