Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
