im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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