Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
