I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
