The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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