I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
