I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
