I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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