I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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