You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
