dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
