when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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