He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
