Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
