in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
