bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
