____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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