i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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