tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
