I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
