Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
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pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
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Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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