apparently the secret to your success is patron
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
