i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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